happyhomes Don’t Just Happen
Building Strong and Happy Families from the Inside Out

When we drive by a big beautiful home and see the lights on inside, we naturally assume that it’s a happy home. People are connected. We imagine them laughing, hugging, dancing and enjoying life together. But our instincts aren’t very reliable when it comes to this kind of thing. I even remember looking at a home we were building once and imagining how “happy” our family would be when we moved in. Of course, the house didn’t change anything. We were still the same people relating to each other in the same way. A happy home has nothing to do with the physical structure or the seemingly “perfect family” inside.

A happyhome is more than a place to live. It’s an emotional haven for life’s ups and downs. It’s the quality of connection we have with others that makes us feel “at home” no matter where we are. It’s the comfort of knowing we belong somewhere and matter to someone. A happyhome is also the framework of values we establish for our loved ones. When we send our children out into the world with a strong sense of family, of personal values and of self, they make their own decisions based on principles they have internalized.

In past generations, homes were fairly well insulated from outside influences. Today, we must fight the negative elements that invade our homes through TV, the internet, music and magazines. We are just as busy fighting wars inside our homes as we are outside. Our weapon of choice is rules. We tell our children, “You can’t listen to that music; you can’t watch this movie; you can’t go to those websites...” without realizing that shielding them from negative influences will never be enough.

It’s what we build inside ourselves that makes us strong and protects us, not what we build around ourselves. The best way to protect our loved ones is to instill strong family values and create strong family ties. Children need a safe and loving environment to learn how to behave in the world and a structure that introduces and reinforces values on a day-to-day basis. When we feel safe, loved and valued for who we are, we are open to learning from those who give us that sense of security. We gain the confidence to stand on our own two feet and make good choices in life. How do we build homes that will protect our children and increase their chances of becoming happy, responsible adults in the future? Family science researchers have studied “protective factors” for many years — those things that inoculate our children from negative influences:

Protective Factors

Direct and clear communication

Intentional quality time spent together

Family rituals and traditions

A legacy of shared memories and values

Lots of love and affection

This list is no surprise to us. We instinctively know what we need to be doing to create the family life we want. The problem is not what, but how? How do we find the time in our dizzybusy world to stay focused on what we know in our hearts is important?

How do we weave these “protective factors” into our day-to-day lives that have become so overwhelmingly busy and stressful ? How can we find, and model for our children, that balance we so desperately need?

A hundred years ago, no one had to think about eating well and getting physical exercise because it happened naturally. But today we have to be intentional about these things if we want to live a long healthy life. Family has come to that same point. Many of us still assume that “family” happens naturally because it used to when our parents were raising us. But our lives today have become so overwhelmingly busy that the simple, good things - like sitting down to dinner together and talking - are getting lost in the shuffle.

We need to steer our families in the right direction. Many of us drift through life, assuming and hoping things will happen the way we want them to, but we are often disappointed. Imagine you are in a rowboat, floating down the river of life. You have two choices. You can drift along and go wherever the river takes you, which may or may not be where you want to go. Or you can pick up a paddle and steer yourself and your family in the direction you choose.

Lorle Campos, CEO/Founder of Once Upon a Family, is the author of happyhome: a family's guide to finding balance in a dizzybusy world. Take part in the happyhome Challenge to receive free tools and products to enrich your family life at home.